I hide inside my head, wasting time on Facebook and Instagram trying to avoid how I feel. It’s been this way since you died, lost in sadness avoiding who I am. I know you’d want me to move on and be happy. But you’re gone. I look at your picture, your ashes, and sadness fills me. I miss you. My precious girl, my Nimue. My fairy goddess in cat form sent to watch over me.

You did watch over me though for 16 and a half years; waking me from nightmares and making sure I ate and went to bed on time. You brought me so many smiles and were there through so much — from the time you knew I was pregnant to the day we brought Morganne home from the hospital and every day after that until the end.

Now I sit and wonder what else you knew as you laid in my arms night after night, refusing to switch sides. I wonder if you knew about the cancer. I wonder if you died, so I might live and be here for Morganne. If you did, I’m sorry and I thank you.

I look at your pictures and thank you for each day you woke me up and each night you laid by my side. I thank you for how well you took care of us. I wish you were here and I thank you for sending Maya for Morganne. She’s a sweet, rambunctious kitten and tries to take care of us like you did. Though she’ll never be you, she checks on me during the night, especially after treatment.

I look at your picture, my precious girl, and my heart fills with sadness. I miss…