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Post Traumatic Reality
It’s the post traumatic reality of life that holds a breath after hearing three words. “You have cancer” A sucker punch that forces you to look deep and pull from resources that you didn’t know existed. The convoluted ride of emotions that engulf you — fear, anger, rage, depression, loss, acceptance, love. Love on a level you’ve never known before, love for yourself that creates a fire that burns so bright you see the secrets you’ve kept hidden from yourself. Love that leaves you protecting others and yourself by pushing them away, even when all you want is for him to hold your hand.
It’s a wave of trauma — the pull and push of ocean tides sweeping in and colliding with the shore. You’re standing still yet somehow moving further into the waters that can drown you. You’re frozen. Trapped in a wall of iced over glass miles thick hiding while you watch a life play out before you, questioning “is this real?” You stand outside yourself as though a film is playing someone else’s story upon a life size screen and you’re the audience cringing and praying they’ll make it through.
It’s the decisions that need to be made alone and you don’t know if they will ever be the right ones, but it’s okay, they say you can change your mind later. Can I? It’s the fear that you show no one as they look to you for inspiration. What a joke? They called you strong, he reminded you of your resilience. None of it matters in the moment. You have to make a choice and it won’t be the one they’re expecting.
It’s the river that flows from the snowy capped mountains carving crevasses into stone to make way for what’s to come. The acceptance that nothing will stay, and everything will change, this is nature. The evolution of a moment that leaves scars, both physical and emotional. Fissures that go so deep, they penetrate locked doors in caves you are not ready to walk through.
It’s the wave of energy that flows through you and reminds you to heal. The reminder that your ability to heal can also heal others.
It’s the looking at what your scars bring not what they’ve taken away. Kintsugi, Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold, accept you are the broken sculpture made new.
A beauty that radiates across lifetimes of fear and pain as you remind yourself you’ve been through worse. It’s…
