Post Traumatic Reality
It’s the post traumatic reality of life that holds a breath after hearing three words. “You have cancer” A sucker punch that forces you to look deep and pull from resources that you didn’t know existed. The convoluted ride of emotions that engulf you — fear, anger, rage, depression, loss, acceptance, love. Love on a level you’ve never known before, love for yourself that creates a fire that burns so bright you see the secrets you’ve kept hidden from yourself. Love that leaves you protecting others and yourself by pushing them away, even when all you want is for him to hold your hand.
It’s a wave of trauma — the pull and push of ocean tides sweeping in and colliding with the shore. You’re standing still yet somehow moving further into the waters that can drown you. You’re frozen. Trapped in a wall of iced over glass miles thick hiding while you watch a life play out before you, questioning “is this real?” You stand outside yourself as though a film is playing someone else’s story upon a life size screen and you’re the audience cringing and praying they’ll make it through.
It’s the decisions that need to be made alone and you don’t know if they will ever be the right ones, but it’s okay, they say you can change your mind later. Can I? It’s the fear that you show no one as they look to you for inspiration. What a joke? They called you strong, he reminded you of your resilience…
